My mind has been a swirl of words and thoughts. My heart has been alive with aches, pangs of growth, dreams, and confused emotions. Tears have flowed down my cheeks in abundance. The Easter season isn’t an easy one for me. It leaves me so desperately aware of how broken I am. I always know that I’m in need of him but there are seasons that I’m desperate for him!
13 years ago on Easter weekend I held in my hand the broken pieces of our second baby. A child I would never know. I would never hear their cry for me in the middle of the night, never see them take their first steps, never hear their giggle or mispronounced words. A whole lot of never fell on me that weekend and its shadow follows me always.
Each year all of those things that were taken from me come back with a vengeance of memories and angst. I find myself in a sopping heap of emotions that I can’t reign in. I look with such gratitude at the beautiful gift of a child that God gave me and I also wonder so many things about the child that he keeps for me. So very blessed and so deeply grieved all at the same time.
We all have our list of “nevers” following us around like the shadow that refuses to come into the light. We all wrestle with stuff that we can’t change though we’d do just about anything to be able to. We’re pelted by the stuff that will always hurt no matter how hard and fast we run or how busy we try and stay. Some of us are walking through the deepest and darkest valleys we never could have imagined if we weren’t currently living in them.
I found myself holding my friend’s baby today. Listening to him coo while he slept. Watching his lips suck the air while he dreamed. I cuddled his perfect body and smelled his precious head and I felt God’s hand on me. I felt his mercy smile over my tired soul through this precious gift so fresh from his creative fingers and I was thankful that even when it hurts, he is kind!
I came home to a million things that needed to be done but instead I plopped down with my feet up in the quiet and I heard his kind voice whisper over me, “Just sit with me for a while.” Sometimes in the middle of the mess, the remedy for the moment is really that simple; just be. Put down all of your nevers, all of your hurts and broken pieces, and just be with him for a little while.
In those few quiet moments he reminded me of the most powerful words this season holds, “It is finished.” The power there doesn’t remedy the pain but it bathes it in hope. He finished it all and he finished it with absolute perfection.
To those who’ve lost their most precious loved ones, there’s hope in your pain because he declared death no longer final! To those of you walking in confusion and brokenness “It’s finished!” There’s hope because he’s redeemed your broken pieces and while redemption is a process we have to walk; we know where it ends because Jesus finished the parts that we couldn’t. To those so worn down from fighting battles in your own mind, you aren’t alone and that battle will end in perfection because he finished the fight that will allow you the grace to fight until perfection comes. To those of you who are utterly lost, Jesus sees you and he wants you and he finished the impossible for you!
This Easter season, in the middle of all the nevers that you grieve, all the impossible that you have to stare in the face and all the mountains that have to move, my prayer is that you’d just sit with him for a while because the truth is, the impossible parts are already finished!